Top 5 Conflict Resolution Tips
- Make the relationship your priority
- Maintaining and strengthening the relationship with the other person, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
- Focus on the present
- If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
- Pick your battles
- Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worth your time and energy. Maybe you don’t want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
- Be willing to forgive
- Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
- Know when to let something go
- If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
Top 5 Tips for Being a Better Listener
- Encourage the other person to share.
- Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset. Make them feel comfortable sharing their issues as fully as possible.
- Clarify the real issue.
- Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you – from his or her point of view. Don’t make assumptions. Ask questions that allow you to gain this information, and which let the other person know you are trying to understand.
- Restate what you have heard.
- Repeat the other person’s words and ask if you have understood correctly. The other person may realize that additional information is needed
- Validate the concerns of the other person.
- Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it is conveyed with integrity and respect. For example, “I am glad we are trying to figure this out” or “I really appreciate that we are discussing this issue.”
- Don’t interrupt.
- Resist the temptation to interject your own point of view until the other person has said everything he or she wants to say and feels that you have listened to and understood his or her message.
Sample Fair Fighting Ground Rules
- Remain calm
- Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm, it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.
- Express feelings in words, not actions
- Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a “time-out” and do something to help yourself feel steadier.
- Be specific about what is bothering you
- Vague complaints are hard to work on.
- Deal with only one issue at a time
- Don’t introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the “kitchen sink” effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.
- No “hitting below the belt”
- Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.
- Avoid accusations
- Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone’s actions made you feel.
- Don’t generalize
- Avoid words like “never” or “always”. Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.
- Avoid “make believe”
- Exaggerating or inventing a complaint – or your feelings about it – will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.
- Don’t stockpile
- Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It’s almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.
- Avoid clamming up
- When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.
